Yearning for Friendships and Deep Connections?

It’s Child’s Play Lost on Grown-Ups

Becoming a grown-up, then a professional with a thriving practice, plus engaging in the grueling, emotionally-deep work of caregiving for another human has brought me to the visceral realization that what this world is lacking — what we need most — is each other.

This realization applies to all adults and takes on more complex tones among gifted professionals and communicators, who often express yearnings for friendships and deep connections.

All Grownups Had a Childhood

If you are grown up and still living, then we can share stories and lessons from childhood. We are the first to agree strongly with you that everyone is unique and one of a kind.

We are the first to also agree that the word “gifts” has multiple uses and that all humans are amazing. We are quick to agree that neuroscientists have put in several generations of investigation and hard work to help us spot the characteristics and traits of adults and their earlier version (the child) with giftedness.

We want everyone to subscribe to this newsletter because everyone knows someone who came into the world with a gifted brain or they will meet them in their life.

The reason we dedicate a community and global conversations through Substack on the lives, careers, and relationships of gifted professionals and communicators is they are so darn fascinating and can seem overwhelming to us at times if we never try to understand how very different, fast, overly sensitive, expressive, and deep their every thought is.

We are talking about adults who chose a path of professionalism, plus communicate well with others, and came into the world the way they would always be—with a brain that neuroscientists mapped and described as gifted.

Image by Hai Nguyen Tien from Pixabay

Boomers and Child’s Play Made Best Friends Forever

Some studies show that the Boomer generation seems to make friends and hold on to social connections better than the following generations and here’s my direct experience with that. My childhood was defined by playing in the street, neighbors back yards, and playgrounds within 3 blocks of our homes. We rode our bicycles everywhere and if what we wanted, such as a movie theater or ice cream stand, was too far for a bike ride, it was too far to go from home. Longer distance adventures came with a driver’s license at 16. The whole concept of play dates happened after we were grown-ups.

Every day, all year long, we invited everyone to our house and then moved like a progressive dinner party to someone else’s house. This would go on for hours until dusk when parents would call us home. Each parent had a distinctive whistle, bell, or device and every one of us could identify who was being called in. It was more precise hearing and identification than bird watching. Our favorite house was the neighbor whose dad headed the Dr. Pepper plant in Texas because they had two refrigerators—one filled with Dr. Pepper beverages.

This level of friendship is called place-based relationships. There were more than 600 in my elementary school and it seemed like I had more than plenty of friends for play, phone calls, and walks in nearby parks and nature trails.

The adult version of this is going into situations where we just want to get on with the game, such as softball, basketball, tennis, gymnastics, and have a good time. The adult version is the same child wonder and adventure, not doubts if we are good enough. We asked for the help and support we needed. We helped others out when they fell off their bike and needed help getting their bloody leg and broken-spokes bicycles home to adult assistance. We barely had TV and the whole world of digital and the internet did not come into our lives until well after college and the first job with typewriters that needed ribbons.

Image by Thomas Ulrich from Pixabay

No Time for Apps When You Have Friends

Now you know why I still don’t put any of my precious playtime or deep conversation time in apps on a phone. When the internet became more pervasive, curiosity caused me to try Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and other apps for about one week. It was not the same thing as a deep conversation with a friend. It wasn’t the same as a walk with a friend where you say almost nothing but experience the same tree, trail, sunset, or beach together.

Social media made the empty feeling worse. It felt like going on a stage in an empty theatre. There were no faces or feelings there to say anyone cared if you were talking, singing, or performing.

Is it possible we are so burned out by data-heavy, screen-based lives that we no longer have the time or energy to engage in the kind of small, unfabulous, mundane, place-based friendships or acquaintances that have nourished and sustained humans for centuries?

Our brains were simply not designed to operate this way. Dunbar’s number says our brains have a cognitive upper limit of about 150 relationships we can actively maintain. That means you can easily be maxed out before lunch if you scroll the internet and write hundreds of text messages and emails, launched into the silence of space.

Where Can You Find Help With Friendship Problems?

Start with the big picture of what happened between childhood and your 30s and then how friendship erosion seemed to get worse as you got older and loaded with more responsibilities. Read, the Anna Helen Petersen essay on The Friendship Dip: The loneliest decades are not what you think they are.

The psychotherapist Esther Perel says “I believe that human connection has transformative power in all aspects of our lives." She shows how friendship is a love story.  

“Different from romantic or filial love, it’s its own unique love story. Making friends is the first free-choice relationship we have as kids. Our friends provide community and continuity in an ever-changing world. Our lifelong friends are our witnesses. They accompany us through the trials and tribulations of lovers that come and go, job changes, family rifts, births, deaths, and recoveries”

Paula Prober, a licensed professional counselor and consultant specializing in gifted adults and children, gives valuable insights into friendships and relationship management for gifted professionals. She emphasizes the importance of understanding and accepting the unique traits and characteristics of gifted individuals. Paula believes that fostering genuine connections requires open-mindedness, empathy, and the willingness to embrace the intensity and depth of thoughts and emotions.

She writes about the need for reliable friends, sidekicks, and besties in You Are Never Too Old (or Too Smart) to Find a New Friend. She did the work on finding posts on relationships and compiling a comprehensive take on the topic in The Gifted Adult’s Guide to Finding Friends.

Rosie Spinks has gained readership by providing thought-provoking content in her Substack What Do We Do Now That We Are Here? She captures the essence of the gifted professional's experience, highlighting their fast-paced thinking, heightened sensitivity, and expressive nature. Rosie's ability to articulate these complex aspects of giftedness in a relatable and engaging manner has earned her a dedicated following. Her highest-ranked article, so far, is The Friendship Problem.

The Best Answers to Friendship Are Still With You

What do you value in friendships? What do you want to change about your relationships? Remember your childhood when friends were real? Recall when that changed in adulthood and some people were only good for a transaction and that made them “deal” friends but not “real” friends? As a child, you created stuff every day. You got older and had to work harder on child’s play the adult versions and spend money to recreate and take vacations. The recreation industry grew more as you forgot the simple act of a walk outside, a phone call to a friend, and a reason to find something to laugh about—with each other.

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